A rough first encounter in the Falls for new neighbor Lara B. Sharp.
Him (Parks a Black Range Rover with Dealer Plates, and he’s wearing a Rolex Watch, AND an Apple Watch, black jeans with red European trainers, AND a black turtleneck shirt): ‘Hey, babe… Moving in?’
Me (Standing next to a moving truck, surrounded by boxes full of books, internally cringing): ‘Whatever gave you that idea?!’
Him: The truck and the boxes, doll.
Me: Ahh, clever.
Him: Did you take the second-floor apartment?
Me: No, I’m pitching a tent, on the roof.
Him: This is my place. Right across the street from you. You should come over sometime, for dinner, babe.
Me: I have a husband.
Him (smirking): I don’t mind.
Me: I also have two, huge Rottweilers.
Him (still smirking, looking me up and down): I like dogs, sweetheart.
Me (smirking back): I’d have guessed that about you. Dogs are pack animals. I’m very busy right now.
Him (intentionally flashing his Rolex): Do you work, honey?
Me: Do I work? Of course I work. I’m a writer.
Him (again, flashing his Rolex): Do you make any money doing that?
Me: Nope, I’m a very poor writer. That’s why I’m pitching a tent on the roof, with MY HUSBAND, and my two, huge, vicious Rottweilers.
Him: What do you write about, babe?
Me: I write about whatever I want to write about.
Him: You should write about me!
Me: Something tells me that I probably AM going to be writing about you.
Him (again smirking, and again looking me up and down): I’m flattered.
Me (glaring): You really, really, REALLY shouldn’t be, Bro.
Him: What’s your name?
Me: Gloria Steinem.
Him: So, if I Google you, will I be able to read your writing, little miss Gloria Steinem?
Me: Yeah, and you SHOULD do that. Google ‘Gloria Steinem’ and read ALL of it.
Him: OK, I will, Gloria. I’ll see you around, pretty neighbor!
Me: Thanks for the warning…
Well, I guess I know which one is HIS internet… I hope that SpiritAnimal EATS HIS FACE.
(Calls Comcast for instructions on how to rename her Wifi as: ‘DropDeadYouSEXISTPig!!!)
Have you learned to customize your wifi? If so, email me the name you’ve chosen at email@example.com… And, be sure to also include your password! Thanks, new neighbors!
Lara B. Sharp is a middle aged, neurotic writer and a performer, originally from New York City. She has written for, and performed in, a number of national and international theatre productions, and is a regular participant of live storytelling events in New York, London, and Philadelphia. She is a Smith College graduate, menopausal, and a feminist. Lara is represented by the literary agency Chalberg & Sussman, for whom, between hot flashes, she is writing a memoir about her demented childhood. In her free time, she relaxes by sharing her humiliating life experiences on her Facebook page. In 2016, Lara, her two cats and her English husband, moved from Europe to Philadelphia, for the pretzels. (She relocated to the Falls in March 2018). Sometimes, she’s funny.