Groundhog Day

A true story of the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!

Excerpted from the ”East Falls Rant You’re A$$ Off” Facebook page

JULY 11, 2018; 2:12pm

Lara B. Sharp   Hi, I’m from Manhattan, and my husband is from England, and we live in East Falls… And, this THING, is in our garden. Is it the elusive ‘Fallster’ that I’ve been reading so much about on this page?!

Whatever it is, I’m sure that I heard it whisper at us, ‘Get Off MY Lawn, Squatters’, but my husband is insisting that it didn’t say anything at all.

Now, to be clear, my husband cannot be trusted, because he is British, and until about a year ago, he didn’t even know what a raccoon is! He called it a Badger-Bear.

(Please, help us, locals… because, we are admittedly clueless, and actually terrified… there is some sort of psychedelic rodent… giving me stink-eye… we just need to know if it wants to eat our faces, or not… Bloody ‘squatter’, here first, still livin’ in MY East Falls garden, thinking he can scare me off… I’m not scared… I’m from NYC… I simply LIKE being curled up UNDER my bed… with an electric, bug zapping, tennis racket… whatev-er… Pfff… haaaaaaaaalp meeeeeeeeeeee…)

Amin Merz  Looks demonic. I’d get the church involved.

Kristin Atkins  A garden bear.

Diego Rincón  Chupacabra

Amin Merz  Don’t listen to the other comments. These yuppies don’t know anything. Make sure you have crucifixes hanging above each en-trance and sprinkle yourself with holy water.

Lara B. Sharp   OHMYGAWD…. I can’t. I’m a Jew. I’M GONNA DIE…

Amin Merz  That’s probably why it’s after you. Ill pray for your soul.

Joann Dempsey  Racoons are more afraid of you but eat rodents…bugs..keeps environment healthy..that thing looks rabid

Lara B. Sharp   It’s just sitting on my porch. I smell pot… It might be smoking pot…

Amin Merz  Wouldn’t be surprised. They don’t call it the “Devil’s lettuce” for nothing. Make sure you don’t inhale any second hand smoke as its a surefire way to invite satanic possession.

Lara B. Sharp   OK, so, I gather from the responses that… it’s a Groundhog? And, it belongs here, so… Should we… Feed it?!

Kristin Atkins  They love Funyuns and diet Dr. Pepper… and souls of the innocent.

Lara B. Sharp   Thanks, now I have to google Groundhogs AND… ‘Funyuns’. GAAAAAAAH-HHH!!!

Lara B. Sharp   Yeah, it’s a Groundhog. I’m naming him ‘Fallster Funyuns’. Should I FEED IT something? Put water out? Ignore him? Sell him on Craigslist?

Walter Murasky  You can feed it, just not after midnight. And whatever you do DO NOT ever get it wet.

Lara B. Sharp   Oh… So, no ‘marking my territory’, the old fashioned way. Got it.

Walter Murasky   No. Peeing on animals is never an ok thing.

Lara B. Sharp   Would anyone like to explain to me why this Groundhog just took a shit on my porch chair? Is that Groundhog language for ‘Try to set even one foot onto my porch, MoFo, cuz I want you to’?

Amy Oo   LOL- what a great post, and not a troll or argument to be found! Well done!

Lara B. Sharp   Is the Groundhog just going to live on my porch now, forever? I’m just asking because there’s no other way out of my building… And, tomorrow morning, I have to go to therapy. I mean, I REALLY have to go to therapy tomorrow, and not ONLY because there is a wild animal living on my porch… I can’t cancel ther-apy. I can’t call my therapist and tell her that I’m trapped in my apartment because there is a Groundhog on my porch. Actually, I probably can, because we are both Jewish. But, as of right now, I feel like I really NEED to Make that therapy Appointment! So, will it… LEAVE, eventually? Or, like, ever?

Johnpaul Golaski   Their natural predators were wolves and maybe fox-es? Maybe playing a sound of a wolf through your phone would inspire it to go back in its hole.

Lara B. Sharp   Play the sound of a wolf, through my phone???? Ummm… Hmm… OK, fuck it. I’ll try that! Why not…

Lara B. Sharp   You owe my CATS an APOLOGY. That works on CATS. It doesn’t seem to work on sleeping bloody groundhogs!!!!

Johnpaul Golaski   Oops!

Lara B. Sharp   Yeah, ‘oops’, because, now I have a Groundhog on my porch, AND TWO HOUSE CATS… ON MY BLOODY CEILING!!!!

Johnpaul Golaski   Obviously the next solution attempt is a dog! Maybe two?

Lara B. Sharp   Well, I think, at this point, maybe… OK, just NO. I have a massive Groundhog on my porch, and two cats on my ceiling, so I think I’m gonna pass on your advice to bring MORE ANIMALS into this already CRAZY SITUATION, but… thank you.

Arlene Dale   Thank you one and all, and especially Lara B. Sharp, for this most entertaining post. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Great stuff.

Lara B. Sharp   OK, great, that is great… when you stop crying, come to my home WITH A BOX. Thank you, see you soon.

Read the full thread on the “East Falls Rant You’re A$$ Off” Face-book page.

Lara B. Sharp is a middle aged, neurotic writer and a performer, originally from New York City. She has written for, and performed in, a number of national and international theatre productions, and is a regular participant of live storytelling events in New York, London, and Philadelphia. She is a Smith College graduate, menopausal, and a feminist. Lara is represented by the literary agency Chalberg & Sussman, for whom, between hot flashes, she is writing a memoir about her demented childhood. In her free time, she relaxes by sharing her humiliating life experiences on her Facebook page. In 2016, Lara, her two cats and her English husband, moved from Europe to Philadelphia, for the pretzels. (She relocated to the Falls in March 2018). Sometimes, she’s funny.

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