Sounds like someone’s dying for a coffee.
There’s a new guy at Starbucks, and he’s obsessed with getting everyone’s name right. He’s also super friendly, and even though statistically speaking it’s unlikely that he’s a serial killer, because he’s not a White Man, it makes me nervous.
He’s very polite, but a bit… Intensely nice.
It’s that weird ‘corporately mandated’ kind of nice… It’s that ‘thank fuck I’ve finally got a shit job’ kind of Nice. It’s that ‘Friendly because my fucking life depends on it’ unnerving Nice.
Or, it’s simply Serial Killer Nice.
So, either way, I don’t want to mess with him… And, he can’t get my name right…
Last week, his first week, it went like this –
And every time he got my name wrong, his smile, and his eyes, Got BIGGER.
I began to worry that I was going to actually break his face – POP!
Like a balloon.
So, I decided to just give in, and I ended up with Clara, the name of my abusive step-grandmother, scrawled on an enormous frozen drink. I had my Clara-drink in my hands for at least two hours. Trust me, nobody wants to be Clara.
I just want Starbucks, without a side of Childhood Trauma.
Soooo, today, I decided I don’t want to stress either of us out, because I don’t want his weird smile to get so big that he pops his face, and I don’t want him to know my name… so I told him my name is Matty.
I gave him the first name that I thought of… my husband’s name. Anyway, that is just logical. If the dude is really a serial killer, my husband is responsible for fighting him off, so I feel like it’s only polite of me to make sure that this dude knows his actual name.
Him: M… A… D… D… Y? Is it Madeline?
Me: It’s just Matty, with T, not with D. Matty.
Him: M… A… T… I… E?
Me: Umm… Yeah?
Him: Ahoy, matey!
Me: Umm, OK.
Him: You look a lot like another customer who was in here last week, named Clara!
Me: Is your name Dexter?
Him: What? Wow, Dexter, again? So weird, you’re the fifth person in a week that has asked me that! Weird, right?
Me: Yeah, super weird…
(I give up. At this rate, I’ll likely end up dying of dehydration.)